Okay, I assume this might seem strange. No, I don't mean I have rules. I mean my parents have rules that I am supposed to show everyone. However, I removed all personal facts, swearing, and inappropriate content.
1. SparklyMagix is not allowed to feed anything with peanut butter to dogs.
2. Telling people that you can tame wolves with a rolled-up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out.
3. While it is true that "No one expects the [REDACTED] Inquisition!", that is only because there is no such thing.
4. SparklyMagix is not the king of anywhere. Or the queen.
5. There is no market for demon [REDACTED].
6. Should not replace the buckshot in shotgun shells with any of the following: birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, sawdust, or glitter.
7. SparklyMagix is not allowed to bargain with anyone for their "souls." Not even if she can get them a good deal.
8. May not use any form of the word 'accident' as an excuse.
9. Violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays. No matter how many times you say please, we won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code.
10. If a file says never to do something, it is not because we want to control your mind. (Yes it is.) No, it's not, and SparklyMagix may not edit this document.
11. [REDACTED]. Not even for recreational use.
12. Not allowed to lead a Mobile Task Force under any circumstances. (without inviting [REDACTED]), AT ALL. In fact, just stay 500 feet away from any Mobile Task Force at all times.
13. Not allowed to end reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". But is allowed to end with lyrics from the Safety Dance. The interpretive dance routine, however, is forbidden until she gets lessons for the foreseeable future.
14. SparklyMagix is not allowed anywhere near any Renaissance Festivals. Especially not with her class in garb.
15. SparklyMagix is NOT: Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new staff, a doctor of psychology, made out of bacon, in possession of an IQ over 300.
16. There is no Ethics Committee, and even if there was, does anyone believe SparklyMagix would be on it as anything other than a 'What not to do?'
17. SparklyMagix is not from an alternate timeline.
18. SparklyMagix cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline". Or to "corrupt the timeline". Or to "mess with those history nerds".
19. SparklyMagix, [REDACTED], and [REDACTED] are not allowed to interact without the presence of a responsible administrator. [REDACTED] does not count as a responsible administrator. Nor does [REDACTED]. Or [REDACTED]. In fact, let's just keep the three of them apart, period.
20. SparklyMagix is no longer allowed to utter the phrase "More than 1,000 babies" in the presence of any adults.
21. Stop posting classified information on 4-chan.
22. If it involves doing something wrong, it isn't right.
23. If it involves something right, you did it wrong.
24. If SparklyMagix has to ask, it's above her clearance level. If it's above SparklyMagix's security clearance… run.
25. SparklyMagix is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.
26. SparklyMagix is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to herself as such. Especially on official documents.
27. "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.
28. "My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse. Nor is "My good twin did it," considering the implications.
29. Any proposal which includes the phrase 'Metric [REDACTED] Load' is straight out denied.
30. [REDACTED]’s motto is not any of the following:
•Throw the cheese!
•Screw trees, I climb clouds!
•Someone is getting stabbed. But some days, it should be.
•We need bigger kittens.
•Forget Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We've got [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and SparklyMagix!
•For the Horde!
•Science for the Science God!
•Still Alive, and Found the Cake!
•Will it blend?
31. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
32. Pranks placed into desks are not funny because they "liquefied in record time."
33. Attempts to use radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status.
34. Despite what she may say and any evidence, no matter how plausible, [REDACTED] has never and will never be associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what SparklyMagix may say, she is not, and I quote, "A real-life wizarding tutor."
35. Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that anyone is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of breasts under laboratory conditions.
36. SparklyMagix is not, under any circumstances, to be allowed near duct tape.
37. SparklyMagix is not allowed to be anywhere near the staff or student coffee machine unless supervised by 2 people not listed in 19.
38.No matter how many times she may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, SparklyMagix is not a ninja, nor has she ever been.
39. SparklyMagix is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets:
•Anyone else's soul.
•Memories. •The Island of Manhattan.
•Gold spun from straw.
•A child's laughter.
•A child's tears.
•Any blood relative.
40. SparklyMagix is not allowed to send anything into the past, future, or to alternate dimensions.
41. SparklyMagix is not allowed to make, accept, or take a rake-off on, bets concerning End-of-the-World Scenarios.
42. SparklyMagix is not allowed to get on the PA system and announce that she just won The Game. You know what, SparklyMagix is just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, ever.
43. SparklyMagix is not allowed to arrange, schedule, advertise, promote, or sell tickets to, "cage matches" between [REDACTED] and [REDACTED].
44. SparklyMagix and [REDACTED] are no longer allowed to engage in ANY ACTIVITY involving ANY AMOUNT OF SUPERBALLS.
45. Also, the aforementioned are not to convince, blackmail, or compel ANYBODY into conducting such activities for them.
46. "Challenge Accepted" is not a valid excuse for anything.
47. SparklyMagix shouldn't be allowed to dress up as any Communist dictator, there's no way it could end well.
48. SparklyMagix is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu more than a day in advance, six hours in advance, AT ALL, nor is she to get anyone else to access it for her, directly or indirectly.
49. SparklyMagix is not allowed near any carbonated beverages while in possession of Mentos-branded mints. The last time that happened, she somehow managed to cause an earthquake on the East Coast of the United States.
50. SparklyMagix is not allowed to claim responsibility for earthquakes and other natural disasters unless she is actually responsible for them.
51. Excessive force is not the same as the Force, therefore using it does not make SparklyMagix a Jedi.
52. SparklyMagix possesses the ability to be the most annoying being on the face of the earth. She does not possess any of the following:
•ANY Lantern Ring.
•an "adamantium" skeleton.
•a map leading to "ALL OF THE NAZI GOLD".
•the "Ancient" medallion.
•a copy of the Necronomicon.
•A King James Version of the Necronomicon.
•cybernetic implants of any kind (yet).
•the "Dragonzord". I don't care how you did it, put it BACK.
•the 7th Element of Harmony.
•the original filming model of any fictional spacecraft.
•the 6th sense.
•The ability to distinguish between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
53. If SparklyMagix is sighted near an armoury without express permission, initiate the evacuation procedure.
54. SparklyMagix is not allowed to challenge [REDACTED] to a race involving any sort of vehicle.
55. SparklyMagix is not allowed to access the IT department hotline, the IT department database, ANY NETWORKING EQUIPMENT BELONGING TO THE IT DEPARTMENT.
56. SparklyMagix is not allowed to "Just Say No!" to Faculty orders on the grounds that they are [REDACTED] in disguise.
57. SparklyMagix is not the "final boss" of anything.
58. SparklyMagix has not "won the internet" and is not authorized to declare that any other individual has done so.
59. SparklyMagix is not allowed to submit any incident reports to the Darwin Awards. Not even if you are sure it would win.
60. SparklyMagix is not allowed to create or teach an AI to play multiplayer video games. It was not an improvement giving it the vocabulary of the average preteen player, or introducing it to the concept of "[REDACTED]."
61. SparklyMagix is not allowed to use expunged data in reports as "mad-libs."
62. SparklyMagix is not allowed to test internet "Creepypasta" rites using ANY FACULTY OR STUDENTS.
63. SparklyMagix is not allowed to claim she "has been trained to conquer galaxies".
64. SparklyMagix may not attempt to neutralize demons using "the Power of Friendship", "the Power of Love", or any other sort of "Power" which has not been proven to actually exist.
65. SparklyMagix does not remind anyone of "the girl with the power of voodoo", and is not allowed to tell anyone else that they remind her of the same.
66. SparklyMagix is not allowed to stick refrigerator magnets to equipment, a car, ANY MAGNETIC OBJECT AT [REDACTED]!!
67. [REDACTED] has no Mobile Task Force dedicated to hunting trolls.
68. SparklyMagix is not allowed access to the school vent system.
69. SparklyMagix cannot make false tales about a demon/monster/cryptid stalking the vents of [REDACTED] to scare students.
70. Please refrain from telling people that using a microwave and toaster oven at the same time will throw Earth of orbit and make us all plummet into the sun.
71. SparklyMagix cannot, and I repeat, cannot attack someone for using dead memes.
People deal with negative feelings in different ways. Just because he's angry doesn't mean he's a terrible person and struggling with anger is not his fault.