User blog:Stars1 night/Talking again sorry

Sorry it's one o'clock in the morning so I shouldn't be writing but there's a lot on my mind like how I don't know how I haven't broken yet with everything in my life that's happened how I'm scared of myself right now idk who I am or why everything is the is that it feels like I'm putting a mask on half the time wait most of the time I miss my friend ashes alot and I shouldn't I feel like I shouldn't be on fandom like I am just being put up with some times sometimes I have times where I just thing of leaving the fandom without a word but I know if I did that everything would spiral out of control being here helped a lot I mean things that happened since I came here was I lost my friend in a bad way and I got really scared to talk to girls for a bit almost then just plastering a smile on for the most part the last few months even before fandom I cried a lot but I think with what,happened with ashes I didn't cry cause I didn't really tell anyone and I finally reached out to some people on here and slowly felt better but not much then I became friends with Erica and indie when I went on lc on the immature wiki and talked to them and it made me laugh great now I'm trying to cry but as I became friends with them I think it Was a bit after things had went down and as a came on here more I became friends with Eva well I had know her with she was on of the first few to here part of my story I started talking more here and I about started crying when I looked at my wall and just saw how many people thought of me as there friend and I started a club called kick ashes.... there's more to the title I can't remember  but it was surprising how many people hates him and putting my poetry here was amazing even that one I wrote that I would love to show ashes and maybe I will I think of how I hate that I have these weird meltdowns where I can't think or move fast anfo but I hate that I wrote this I mean I don't like drawing attention to myself I'm just being stupid anyway I think sometime soon I will write about ashes soon so anyone can know about it sorry people I'm just dealing with depression I think and trying to keep myself sane but it's hard

-Samantha