Talk:Keefe and Sophie/@comment-216.238.236.175-20200213155127

okay guys im homeschooled so my mom put me in this online writing course called San Diego Scribblers and im currently in a hot to write a short story course and I just finished my first rough draft and im putting it here any/all criticisim is welcome even if you think its mean i dont care i want to improve im also putting a few questions under so please answer them too

-sokeef4eva

“Nothing interesting ever happens around here,” I huffed and flopped onto my bed. “I mean, would it kill a neighboring kingdom to wage war on us?” My corgi, Sir Butsy, shot me a reproaching look, as if to say, ''Yes. Yes it would kill them. My parents, the king and queen of  ''My golden-pink hair escaped from its messy bun and cascaded over my petite features as I tried to glare at him. King Stephan and Queen Isabelle of  have been paranoid about protecting me, since I was the sole heiress to the throne. I had been taught to protect myself from the age of three and could wield a sword better than my father’s whole army by twelve. “And then they lock me up in a tower to protect me from a nonexistent threat of assassins. And while the rest of the kingdom prospers, I’m slowly going insane from only having a dog to talk to,” Sir Butsy looked offended. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The gleaming marble walls seemed to press down on me, making me feel more and more trapped. “Which I am,” I muttered, gazing longingly out the window. I got up and leaned forward, wishing to see the promise of freedom. Instead, I found two jade eyes and a head of messy blond mirroring my hazel ones.

I swiftly turned around, scooped up Sir Butsy from his perch on my pillow, and set him as far from the window that the small space allowed. I snagged my favorite saber off the wall over my small wooden desk and assumed a defensive stance in front of the window. The gleaming marble of my prison towered almost 300 feet over the ground. The assailant must have known about the metal structure inside the marble and used magnets. How he came across that information is a mystery, though. The tower was a well-guarded secret, known only by my parents and their most trusted advisors. “Who are you?” I asked. “I know you’re there. Come out,” Artfully messy blond hair peeked into the window, and in a flash he had hauled himself over the windowsill and drawn his blade. “Who are you?” I repeated. He had a sharp, angular face, like a fox. He grinned, or maybe bared his teeth. He was dressed in a sleek black padded bodysuit, much more appropriate for fighting than the simple dresses that my mother lined the small closet behind me with. “Seanan O’Keefe, at your service, princess,“ he said with a

deep bow and a lilting Irish accent. I looked him over for a minute, then burst out laughing.

“Seanan? Isn’t that a girl’s name?” I asked through my giggles. I knew I shouldn’t have been this amused, but he had looked so intimidating, it was very comical he had such a feminine name. His face turned pink. “I’m Irish. And it’s not spelled S-h-a-n-n-o-n.” He said with a sneer that showed it was a sore subject. “And shouldn’t you be cowering in fear? You’re a princess. I’m here to kill you,” He said with another bare of teeth. His candor unnerved me. He obviously didn’t expect me to survive. Sir Butsy came between my legs and growled at Seanan, but I wasn’t worried. He was just using a scare tactic. “Who sent you?” I inquired. Maybe I could get that war after all. His green eyes sparkled. “Well, love, if you must know, it was the king and queen.”

I was stunned. They wouldn’t do that, would they? I filed my thoughts away for later examination and thrust my saber out at him, feigning clumsiness. Seanan took the bait and advanced, looking for an easy kill where there was none. I pretended to take a haphazard swipe at him with my blade while my other hand whipped a small dagger from its spot under my skirts at him, striking him in the shoulder. He dropped his sword and clutched at the dagger, now embedded in his flesh.

“Don’t pull it out,” I said, still holding my saber up. “the wound will only bleed more.” He gives me a wide-eyed look. “Oh, really?” He said with a heavier brogue than before. “I hadn’t no’iced I got a bloody dagge’ stickn’ ouht o’ me” Even though he was obviously in pain, I couldn’t help but smile at the lilting accent. I retrieved a small First Aid kit from underneath my bed and started treating his wound. “I need you to lie down, okay?” I said in a soothing tone. “I need to treat your shoulder,” Seanan slowly settled himself on the floor, his blood pooling around him at alarming rates. I cut the sleeve from his suit and gently rolled it off his shoulder. Giving him a leather belt of mine to bite down on, I coaxed the dagger from his shoulder.

“Why are you helping me? You could take my gloves and leave for freedom. But you stayed to help me. Why?”

“Because, I still haven’t found answers about who sent you to kill me. And you can’t exactly tell me if you’re rotting in a tower where nobody would be able to heal you,” I said. Seanan handed me a roll of bandages from the kit, and I patched his shoulder up the best I could. “But, how are we going to get out of here now?” I wondered.

“We?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You and I,” I said, stuffing my measly belongings into a small duffel bag, “are going to go and find my parents, so we can find out who actually wanted to kill me.”

“If you do that, you’ll be handing both of us over to the people who wanted you dead.” Seanan warned. I gave him a reproachful glance.

“Did you get the orders straight from my parents, or from someone else high up in the hierarchy?”

“I got the orders from the royal advisor. Why?”

“He was probably acting without my parent’s jurisdiction. He always thought that he deserved the throne, not me.”

“If you’re wrong, princess, the consequences will be dire.”

“Well, then, I just won’t be wrong. Now, how do we get out of here?”

“I know there’s a hidden doorway somewhere along the wall, but it’s only openable from the outside.” I stepped up the section of the wall concealing a door and started probing it with my fingers. “I can help with that.” An obscure male voice with an English accent penetrated the room. Seanan and I grabbed our weapons and were up in an instant, surveying the small space. “Who’s there?” Seanan’s question came across the room. “Ah-hem.” The voice came again. Was it— under me? I looked down. There was no one there except Sir Butsy, who was sitting between my legs. “I am right here in front of you.” The voice said. I stared in confusion at the floor, and then it hit me. “Sir Butsy? I asked, a smidge embarrassed that I thought my dog spoke. “Pleased to formally make your acquaintance, your highness,” Sir Butsy said with a bow.

“You talk!?” I asked, confounded. Seanan just stood there, sword in hand, staring at me. “What?” I asked him, suddenly self-conscience.

“You didn’t know he was a shapeshifter? He asked.

“No!” In the time spent with him since he was the runt of his litter, Sir Butsy has never revealed that he was a shapeshifter, or that he could talk. “If you knew, why did you grab your sword and ask who’s there?” I inquired of Seanan.

“Because I didn’t know what his intentions were. Strategy 101 princess, never assume someone is on your side.”

“Never mind that.” Sir Butsy growled. “Unlike you two dimbulbs, I know a way out of here.” Now, Seanan and me both just stared at him.

“You know how to open the door from the inside?” I asked. He scoffed. “Short of explosives, that door will not open. But, I am a shapeshifter. I am as good as explosions.”

Several breeds of rhinos and a small elephant later, I was staring freedom down the throat through its mouth in my previously immaculate wall. I contemplated whether to stay where I am, safe and warm, or risk everything in a half-baked attempt to find someone who wanted to kill me. It wasn’t even a choice. Taking a deep breath and securing my pack on my shoulders, I took a last glance at the room that I had called home for so many years, then stepped toward the great unknown.

The wind pulled at my skirt and hair, making me temporarily forget that I was supposed to clamp the magnetic gloves on my hands to the tower’s sleek exoskeleton. Gathering my wits, I shoved my hands on the marble and slowed my descent with my boots. Freedom was so close, only a hair’s breadth away. Finally, my feet skimmed the lush grassy field that surrounded  the glistening fortress. A moment later, Sir Butsy came swooping down as an eagle. I still couldn’t believe my dog, who just yesterday chewed up my favorite pair of shoes, was a shapeshifter.

“Here are the gloves.” I said, holding them up so he could grab them.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Sir Butsy asked. “We could always leave Seanon here. He did try to kill you.”

“I am aware of that. But he will come with me to my parents and answer for his crimes.”

“If you say so, your majesty.” Sir Butsy replied, flying off to the distant window. I collapsed into the soft earth, breathing in the scent of the wind and sun. It had been too long since she had seen her kingdom.

Once Seanan had reached the ground and Sir Butsy had landed, we started on our way to the castle. Using the sun as a guide, they traveled west, looking for answers.

“I just realized you never told me you name,” Seanan exclaimed.

“Really? Oh. Well, the name on my birth certificate is Anastasia, after my grandmother. I like the name, but it’s a little bit too formal for my tastes.”

“I’m definitely calling you Anastasia now.”

“Then I get to call you…” I searched his face, “Blondie.”

“That’s not too bad, Anastasia.” Seanan countered, patting his curls. I sighed. I was never going to hear the end of that.

Until he gets thrown into the royal dungeon.

We reached a thicket and decided to camp for the night. Using branches, Seanan and me created two small lean-tos on the forest floor. We said goodnight and slipped into peaceful slumber. The next morning, I woke up to see Sir Butsy’s rear in my face.

“Hey! Could you move, please?” I asked of the shapeshifter.

“My apologies, Majesty.” He replied, moving to the side, “I was going through your map of the kingdom to make sure we were on the right path.”

The fact that he doubted my abilities was sad after I practically raised him. I snatched up the map and tucked it into my minute knapsack.

“We’re going the right way. I was taught how to navigate by the general of my army.”

“Your army, majesty?”

“The army.” I replied, embarrassed by the little slip-up. I have never thought of the kingdom as my parents’. In my mind, they were always just temporarily waiting for me to come of age. But I knew that most people would see it as treason. And then I would be the one sent to the royal dungeon. I pushed the thought from my mind. No use dwelling on irrelevant thoughts. I listened to the air, enjoying the stillness. Stretching, I got up and walked out of the tent, straight into my sister, Princess Arabella.

“Bella? What are you doing here!?” I asked, visibly surprised. Bella’s delicate features and brown hair hadn’t changed at all in the year I was locked away.

“You can’t guess?”

“No! I haven’t seen you since they locked me in that accursed tower. Why are you here?”

“To take care of you!” She replied with a grin. Something was definitely wrong. Bella was the rose to my thorn. She detested anything to do with nature or work. She was the example of courtly grace. And most important of all, she had never shown her teeth when smiling since we were old enough to have our first etiquette lesson.

“Arabella… what’s going on?”

“I told you. I got an envelope from Mommy and Daddy’s advisor today, instructing me to take care of you. It wasn’t hard to find you. There are trackers in your clothes…” She went on. I looked at Seanan’s shelter. ''Did he leave without me. Sir Butsy was right. I shouldn’t have trusted him. ''I focused on Bella again. I had to keep her distracted. What was I thinking, leaving my weapons in the tent.

“Bella,” I interrupted. “Why are you doing this? I know you got an envelope but why did you follow the orders?”

“Because! You get the throne because you’re older. But I would be a much better Queen. I would marry a handsome prince and let him do all the work. You would marry for love instead of status or appearance, and you would try to rule the country. When will you learn that we are the pretty pink princesses!”

I snorted. “Says the person sent to kill the best warrior in the kingdom.”

“You never learn. Oh well. By the way, what happened to the previous assassin? Did you kill him?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I wanted to assess your skills!” I sighed and shook my head. Bella had never learned not to freely give away information. It bothered me that she thought she could best me when it was clear I was the better fighter.

“Okay, Bella, let’s just get this over with. I need to go see Mom and Dad.” She giggled, like I just made a joke.

“If you insist,” She said. “But I want this to be fair. You get your sword, and I get backup. Deal?”

“What? No! How is that fair-“

“Come on out guys!” From the trees spilled my parents’ personal guards. If anyone had a chance at beating me, it was them.

“You really need to work on your definition of fair,” I told my sister, as I crawled into my tent to retrieve the weapons. Beside the weapons, sitting so still I almost didn’t notice him, was Sir Butsy.

“Why are you hiding in there?” I whisper yelled. He had been cowering in the tent this whole time while I was out there in danger?

“I’m waiting for a better opportunity, your majesty. It would be better for me to surprise them than parade out in the open.” My cheeks tinged pink.

“Oh. That makes sense.” I snatched my broadsword from alongside him and hurried back out to the clearing.

“Let’s do this already.” One of the rushed at me. I feinted right and kicked at the back of his knees while swinging my sword. He didn’t expect it, so I got in a large strike on his thigh. Jayden, the leader, motioned for the rest of his men to start circling me.

“You’ve gotten better, princess.”

“Either that or you’ve gotten lazier since I left. You taught me that move when I was six.”

“What can I say? You were always a natural.” Jayden had been my favorite mentor. He was like a second father to me. I couldn’t believe the cranky old advisor was able to turn so many people I knew against me. Doubts started to creep in. ''What if Seanan was right? What if my parents did want me dead?'' I barely managed to avoid a swipe to my neck, so I forced all of those thoughts into a dark corner of my mind. Now was the time to fight, not philosophize.

Sir Butsy joined in the fight later, as a grizzly bear. He kept the others busy, so I was suddenly eye to eye with Arabella.

Brandishing my sword, I said, “Do you really want to fight me? We both know I am the better fighter.”

“Or maybe,” She said drawing her own blade, “You’ve just never seen what I can do.” Bella lunged at me so I sidestepped while sticking my leg out to trip her. Her foot caught, so she rolled into a somersault and was back one her feet. I tried for a hit but she parried and retaliated with a kick to my shin. We went on like that for a while, until both of us were covered with nicks and bruises and were panting from exhaustion.

“Bella, please. We’re an even match. Can we just call it a tie and be on our way?” The guards had called in reinforcements, so Sir Butsy was still occupied. I was on my own to overcome my equal.

“I already told you! I’m just trying to protect the kingdom! You’re too opinionated. If you were allowed to be queen, you would completely reform the country in your vision!”

“Why is that such a bad thing?” To this she was silent, watching me with icy eyes. Suddenly, she shifted her weight to her front leg and whipped a small throwing star from somewhere on her body at me.

I was paralyzed. Everything seem to be going in slow motion. I couldn’t believe my own sister would try to kill me. But then again, things are not always as they seem. A loud clang shocked me out of my stupor. There, standing with his sword outstretched between me and Bella, was Seanan.

“Blondie! You came back!” I exclaimed.

“‘Course I did, Anastasia. I do need to get you to the castle.”

“What do you mean?”

“You haven’ figured it out?”

“Figured what out?”

“I’m part of the rebellion. Our plan is to get you on the throne. You would actually make a difference in all the problems in our kingdom instead of just sittin’ high and mighty in the castle.”

“But didn’t you get sent to kill me?”

“Yes, bu-“

“Excuse me,” Bella interrupted, “Who are you?”

“Seanan O’Keefe. I’m your father’s better assassin.”

“And you’re part of the rebellion?”

“You knew there was a rebellion?” I asked my sister.

“Of course. Daddy always planned to put me on throne, because I like the kingdom just the way it is.” Bella preened. I, on the other hand, was fuming.

“How long have you known that?”

“Since we were eleven years old.”

“You knew Dad was going to kill me for eight years!?”

“Of course.” Bella declared. I don’t know what happened. One moment I was staring at my sister dumbly, trying to process the flood of new information. The next, I was kneeling beside my sister, watching the blood pool around my sword. Without remorse, I pulled the blade from her abdomen and wiped it on my skirt.

“We should be going now, blondie. We have a long walk ahead of us”

“Of course, princess.”

Before long, we had collected Sir Butsy and been on our way. We had lost a lot of daylight on the fight, so we had to ride Sir Butsy the horse. We reached the castle right after nightfall, and dismounted at the main gate.

“Are you sure you want to do this so soon, princess?” Seanan asked.

“I have to. I’m not sure I’ll still have to nerve to later.” The castle was straight out of a fairytale. The pinkish limestone, with black, gray, and white accents was polished to the point that you couldn’t look at it during the day. Turrets sprouted from the pointed roof, with flowered ivy slowly crawling up everywhere. When we were children, Bella and I would try to climb to the top of the tallest tower using the thick vines. I always made it higher than her, though now I wonder if she was purposely going slow. Walking up the quaint stone path up to the palace,, reliving all my childhood memories, it was easy to spot that my parents favored Bella over me. I cursed myself for not realizing it. My brain abruptly halted, and I found that I was standing directly outside the grand front doors.

“You’re sure you ready?” Seanan inquired with a worried gaze.

I noticed the tears streaming down my face and quickly wiped them.

“I’m fine.” Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the huge oak doors and walked into my birthright.

The servants were probably cleaning up dinner or attending to my parents, so I was alone in the throne room. I suddenly felt a weight on my shoulders. If everything went according to my plan, It would all be mine. I moved on, searching the castle room by room, looking for my supposed killers. I cracked open the door to the royal sitting area, and there they were. I motioned for Seanan to come over to me, and strolled inside.

“Anastasia?” My dad- no, King Stefan said.

“Daddy! How have you been? Because I’ve been having a pretty bad week!”

“Anastasia-“

“Princess.”

“Princess,” Queen Isabelle tried again, “I don’t know what your sister told you, but it’s not true.”

“Spare me the lies. I already know you like eating caviar and escargot better than helping your starving empire. But, I have a simple solution. Seanan, Sir Butsy, I want you to lock these two in the Queen’s private dungeon.

“It’s your father’s private dungeon.” Queen Isabelle said.

I smiled wickedly. “No it isn’t. It’s my private dungeon.”

The next day, Seanan contacted the resistance and told them I was ready to become Queen. They pulled some strings, and two day later, it was coronation day. With butterflies cartwheeling in my stomach, I walked to the small podium. Jason-the cranky old royal advisor-was already there, holding the royal crown and scepter. As I walked down the aisle, my ice-blue skirts billowing around me, I knew I made the right choice. I neared the podium, and saw a familiar shockingly messy blond head. Seanan winked at me while I took the scepter and knelt, swearing to always serve the people of my kingdom. I felt the alien but familiar weight of the Queen’s crown on my head and rose. The people cheered. They finally had a monarch that cared about them. I looked out unto the people and thought of the family that wasn’t here. It didn’t matter.

I had a new family.

Is the dialogue choppy?

Are the characters amiable?

Is the language repetitive?

What should I improve on the most?