Thread:Lowkey done with life/@comment-37869175-20181224194711/@comment-37841075-20190108040147

@A Fandom User

Thank you for what you stated because I clicked on the notif before you posted. Really, thank you loads!! I try hard to keep my mind open and be understanding! Thank you for sharing with us!

@KaleTheEmpath

...big oof. Who knows, maybe the future would decide to drop some spare faith for me-

As I stated, I used to be agnostic. Where I hail from was deeply religious, so naturally I grew up with that.

But the world I lived in was harsh. From a young age I bore witness to many harrowing events. I learned not to cry, not to speak, not to think, to just do. I was told God wanted me to pray to him, so we should pray.

I didn't know what to pray for, though, until I saw hungry boys and girls sitting in the streets with signs asking for food. When I got home, I immediately prayed for them. Before I went to sleep for the night, I prayed. They didn't seem to get answered, because every day I went out, there were still starving children and adults. I resolved that every morning and night I would pray for them. I tried as hard as I could. I asked my relatives for help.

I started thinking God didn't care enough about me or about them to hear me. It was scary, but the more I thought about those thin faces I couldn't help wonder why. I asked my grandmother. She  told me it was so people could learn to be better people.

That felt like a lie. I knew people died, it was on the news. I heard about horrible crimes, and I wondered, "If God loves us why does he do this?"

Late at night I had thinking episodes. I realized that everybody in the world has a  consciousness like me, a life like me, that everybody was as complex as me. I thought to God, I thanked him for telling me that. But doubts never silenced, and when I started about all the bad things, I started thinking if I was just an ant on God's ant farm.

My faith dwindled there, and only continued as I experienced more of life. I asked more questions the less I prayed.

"Why do you need followers? You're all-knowing."

"Why do you kill babies? They've done nothing wrong by taking a breath."

"Why did you let those poor little girls fall victim to those disgusting people?"

I couldn't understand why.

And then came those questions:

How did the universe start?

What is my purpose?

Do we have any sort of innate principals?

Who am I to be in a world full of so many people who could step on me?

Faith vanished with cruelty I faced, particularly CSA. I stopped believing in him. I stopped thinking that he loved me. I found comfort in space. I found comfort in stars. I wanted to become something bigger than just me. I felt angry, I felt abandoned, I felt cheated.

Faith will lead me nowhere. I have had my faith proven wrong so many times it's laughable to think it's going to work for me now.

I concluded the universe has no principles. I concluded it has no purpose. Which meant I had to make my own principles. I had to make my own purpose.

That was the most liberating thought process I've ever known. This life is mine. This story, spanning 13 billion years so far with trillions more to come, is not humanity's story, but I am, and I have to make it count. I don't know what happens after death, but whether it's nothingness or a heaven and hell, but if this life is my chance I have to make it count. Not in the eyes of anyone else; I have to make it count to me. Faith won't do that for me; my prayers were met with indifference. I tried so hard to be faithful but it only ended in a spiral of feeling betrayed.

Would someone who loved me let me have so many hardships to scrape through so silently? I can't think he would. It makes sense in a universe that wasn't made for us, that simply is, and we were that one in a trillion chance life would exist and advanced here, and here we are. Time goes forward, and we've hitched a ride.

Additionally, there is no physical, absolute proof of God, at least not any I know of. Nothing indisputable. I have the right to be skeptical of something that I can't measure and prove.

I hope none of this sounds offense. Just my burning hot take.