Board Thread:Clubs/@comment-44390494-20200109205641/@comment-98.114.242.209-20200127175923

I like it! The narration is giving me Percy Jackson vibes, and it's great. First, I'd suggest stretching the prologue a bit further. It's really suspenseful as is, but seeing how prologues are typically 1-5 pages long, I'd make it longer.

You also have a few run-ons in there. "I live in a border town not really part of any kingdom, well at least I used to" should be "I live in a border town not really part of any kingdom; well, at least I used to" (two linked independant clauses in one sentence). Also, you use "crazy" a lot in that same paragraph. I'd suggest changing that to another synonym. As for another run-on, "There were the Cavenders cleaning up the bag of flour someone knocked over, I glanced in the next window" should have a period in place of the comma.

This next one is a personal preference, but "When I awoke I was laying beside the road with a strange man" reads a bit weird. I would change it to, "When I awoke, I was laying next to strange man bedide the road", since I don't *think* you're implying that the narrator was lying with a man.

Also: "Nothing I think absolutely nothing" should be "Nothing, I think, absolutely nothing," since you're implying thoughts. I'd also italicize the thoughts, but that's not necessary.

One last thing I would add, is that you sometimes confuse the punctuation before quotes. Like, "'Ah, you are awake now.  Did you sleep well my darling?” the man asked'" is correct, whereas "'Cecillus Chaleins at your service.”  He replies grandly'" would need a comma instead of a period. Try to look out for those, since I've found quite a few of them scattered. But other than that, I really want to read more!

~ Evelina